I am learning that I am now in the stages of Anger. I think what they say is that you go through different stages as you deal with personal tragedy no matter what that might be...I have surpassed everything else and I am now  dealing with the fact that everybody has gone home....Their lives are moving on, all the phone calls, text messaging has stopped, the how are ya doings today is gone and its life back to normal for most and yet my life has changed drastically and will never be the same...I still no longer have my daughter, my only child and life is not very fun to me anymore. Its full of anger, stress and grief, so much so at times that I cry so hard I don't feel like I can catch my breath...This heaviness comes over me and engulfs me like I am floating on air and yet so heavy at times that I feel like there is a rock holding me down under water...Its seems like a cruel joke and I keep waiting to wake up and my daughter will be in her bed sleeping peacefully.
I don't like this new normal. I wake up every morning and as I am turning on lights in the house waiting for the coffee pot to make just enough coffee for one cup I walk around lost, spinning around in different directions as I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing at that moment...Grief is a very interesting feeling as it means different things to every one. How we choose to deal with it or how we move on is the part of grief that gives us those awe moments in life...Those moments that nobody can even comprehend or fathom but us alone...We hunker up under these shells ( of life ) that we find to conceal us and protect us and keep us safe in this world we call home as the rest of civilization keeps moving forward, which by the way is what we also want to do....Just thinking out loud I guess, Its time to wake up, take my morning shower, clean house and put on my happy face so that when everyone sees me they have no clue what I am going through...Do they care anyway?